Monday, April 25, 2016

nightmares in grief.

   I dreamt about her again last night, this time i dreamed she ot loose and as it by a car before running off and vanishing, only to be found in our yard hours later in the dark, laying there breathing slowly dyingt taking her last breaths as i ran to her to old her only to have her lick my hand one last time before she passed, ever since nim died I have had dreams like this regularly  each one is different but each time she dies or s dying and is often unable to stand or get up that part makes sense she could no longer stand or get up on her own our last day with  her. I don't know what else to say here but i miss her.

Nightmares are  pretty normal experience in general though they have always been a bit odd in how i have them. Ever since I can remember I have had very vivid, graphic and detailed nightmares often they varied in topic.  they can be so bad that i wake and am afraid to sleep again. I may even get up and check the doors and try to calm myself enough by reading or watching comedy, or a favorite light movie to get back to sleep.for me nightmares have also always followed a pattern, I would go with out a single nightmare for weeks even months and then they would start, one night I would go to sleep and i would have a nightmare and from that moment on I would have nothing but nightmares for 1-2 weeks having as many as 4-6 a night then they would stop; and once again i would be nightmare free for a while until it started again. I still dont know why i have them in this sort of pattern and i still have them like this to this day,

        Last year is among the worst year i have have experienced to date, if not the worst in all honest, because last year i lost 3 very critical members of my family, a cat Lorien (she passed unexpectedly,  my  service dog Nim and my mom all within a short span of time from each other,. since then i have been finding blogging pretty hard, i just struggle to know what to write anymore, but I know my grief is manifesting is not how others might expect. in fact i find it very hard to show grief around even close friends and family, but I plan to try and delve into that in another post at some point. One of the ways that it seems to be manifesting for me right now is in the form of nightmares.

       I am experiencing the losses all over again in nightmares,  this is happening with both Lorien mom and Nim, but often switching around with who, most common ones are mom and Nim., sometimes the events are nearly exactly as they happened and sometimes they are completely different but each time i wake up and i just break down. recently Nim has been the main focus of these nightmares, not surprising as i used to have nightmares about losing her even when she was alive, but it was different then, then i could call her up onto the bed, or more commonly tun around and wrap my arms around her while i cried myself back to sleep in the comfort knowing she was there and it was ok, Now i wake up and she is still gone,  I can no longer just reassure myself "its fine it was just a dream,"  i cant simply "wake up and comfort myself that is will all be ok, because it isn't even if the events in the nightmare were far from what actually happened the end is still the same and waking up only serves to remind me at least one part was real.they are gone, one of my worst nightmares has come true, and now i relive her loss a dozen different ways in my dreams.

i dont know what else to say