But
Blending in is not my goal
I just want to be me
I'm tired of trying to fit into everyone's boxes of how they think I /should be,
Everyone has these expectation
Either I must be or try to seem non disabled and I must be this (fill in chain of behaviors social skills, likes and dislikes, ways of communicating subjects of interest leaguer activities and interacting here) way to fit in to blend (said way burns out all spoons and is not achievable at all even with my best effort put forward )
Or
I need to be autistic and disabled in exactly /this/ way (fill in arbitrary random expectation of what people expect me to be like and my life line to have looked like as a white autistic CIs disabled female) to have my current needs communication needs/style validated
If your a certain age you can't like xyz
If your disabled you can't like (fill in arbitrary things here)
I'm tired of having things that I have learned, skills I have gained relationships in my life and other things used as ways to invalidate my disabilities,
Growing up I went through a phase where I worked hard to blend because I was told and I believed it was the right thing to do, that how I would be successful, happy so I gave it my alll and when this stage hit I sort of failed in horrid ways it was a mess, i also wasn't able to properly figure out where and how and that's way to much to write about the day after Samhain, I mostly just stood out a lot more and looked a lot weirder,.....and then I started a weird mix of trying to pass harder while not caring and embracing being the weird one,
I'm still the weird one, the strange one and I embrace that but I no longer want to burn my spoons to try and pass, I just want to be me, I'm now learning to accept myself, and my limitations, and that it's ok to use support and do things in ways that I prefer and that work better for me.
That doesn't mean I'm backsliding
That doesn't mean I'm faking
That doesn't mean I'm trying to be deceptive
That doesn't mean I'm lazy
It just means I want to find and do what's right for me
I just want to be me
I am going to do what works for me, when anyone else does that it's considered a life skill, many times people find tricks and short cuts that work for them and help them and they are seen as adaptive and unique and resourceful, and everyone is encouraged to embrace themselves and be who they are unless who you are is autistic, then you are encouraged to blend and those things that might help you or things that are useful to you that might be seen as creative in a non autistic and be famous on Pinterest, is now a seen as a nusaaunce accomidation and something you should adapt passed needing, and if you do for a little while then your expected to be able to all the time.But here is the thing that's not how our brains work, if we can sometimes manage with out a support that doesn't mean we no longer need or will benefit from it.
And I'm tired of it all
Everyone else is allowed to be themselves, and I just want to be me, and that's what I'm going to do, because I can't afford to burn spoons on pretending to not be me,
So I'm going to stim
I'm going to communicate in the way that works best for me (AAC)
I'm going to use visual supports
I'm going to rely on the services I need
I'm going to enjoy my souixie and the banshees, London after midnight, the cure, mission U.K., switch blade symphony,as well as non post punk bands and some metal
I'm going to switch between black clothes with reds greens and purples and earphones
I'm still going to carry my pikachu in my backpack
I'm going to swim and hike and go play at the park and do things I like
I'm going to study geailge (Irish) and build an Irish vocabulary in my AAC app
I'm going to hopelfully onday again partner with and use a service dog
I am Autistic
I am neurodivergent
I'm just going to be me and these things are parts of me.
I've never fit into anyone's boxes perfectly ever and I'm not going to
I'm just going to be me
